Let the sadness flowout, to make room for the light

I was at my parent's place. Suddenly my abah (father) walked out from the middle room. Not his master bedroom but the room which he used to take his afternoon nap. My jaw almost hit the floor when I saw him. I immediately knew something was amiss. This cannot be! Cautioned my head. When he saw me with my mouth forming a wide O but no sound coming out from me, my abah smiled and asked me why do I look the way I do ( I can imagine my own face - surprise, confused, excited- all in one) I can't remember whether he actually utterred those words but it sort like he telepathically said it to me. I somehow found my voice and said this can't be real. What's not real, he asked ... again without opening his mouth. YOU ... I said. I must be dreaming! You are not here! Why not, he asked. By this time I confirmed that I can read minds bcos he was smiling all the way but at the same time I can hear voices from him. You are suppose to be dead!! ... I blurted out accussingly. He wasn't denying it .. but just nodding his head like trying to digest what I'm trying to tell him.
So what now ... are you telling me .. you are NOT? By this time I was beyond confuse. Part of me said this is a dream, I keep saying it over and over again but at the same time there was another part of me whom just can't believe my luck. What if ...
All of a sudden my whole body was overcome with excitement. I can't believe this!! My abah is here .. and he's well .. and most importantly .. he's alive.
You know what I had to go thru? I suddenly said ... this time allowing myself to be angry at my father. When we thought you were ... dead? Not too sure whether I should use the word 'dead' .. in case he decided to validate it. But it came out from my mouth all the same.
So what did you have to do, I heard he asked me. I don't know where to begin to answer him. But answered him, I did.
I started with all the numerous forms and paperworks that I had to do on behalf of mom in order for her to claim entitlement of their asset. And you didn't leave any will, I said accussingly. He smiled, urging me to continue. And you have all these lands which you co-own with my uncles (your brothers) which I have to be responsible in making sure who are the beneficiaries, what are their shares and entitlement. Do you know how difficult it is to minimise dispute especially amongst relatives - your own uncles, I said to him. And it is still far from over. I still have tonnes of work to do. Not to mention the emotional roller coaster all of us had to endure ... I screamed silently.
But if you are here ... meaning I dont have to do it anymore right? Somehow I found that difficult to believe.
Abah .. I finally said. You can't really be here. I said this to convince myself that this whole conversation didn't take place. Desperately wanting it to be untrue. You know that the hospital already issued a death certificate for you? I was waiting for him to ask me to handle/rectify the matter too.
I found myself saying, oh shoouuttt... what do I say to them? Pls take back the cert.! There has been a HUGE mistake. My father didn't die. He merely sleeps like he use to every afternoon ... and now he wakes up. By the time I finished forming this thoughts in my mind, I saw my abah gave me his knowing smile as if saying I'm sorry you have to go thru all this.
I went to him and touched his hands and kissed his cheek ... they were cold. ( I did the same gesture at the morgue after they bathed him). I knew then ... that I was dreaming. But I kept holding on to it, refuse to allow myself to wake up so that the dream would last longer. But this time there was no conversation. He was just there.

The alarm went off at 5:45am.
This is the first time, I dreamed of my father since he passed away 66 days ago.

The weekend

It was a long weekend. 3 days with Friday being a Labour Day. My family drove back to my parents place in Damar Laut to send my mom back (she was with us for the past two weeks in KL) and then to my in-laws place in Ipoh. It was good to see everyone. On Saturday night, we all went out for dinner at a nearby stall where we had to book in advance food and table for 11 of us :) Almost too soon it was time to say goodbye again. Well, till the next long weekend ...

Leave out all the rest by Linkin Park

This song keep playing in my head long after I've watched Twilight (its at the end credit). The song is currently at the first position in my head's playlist, so I keep humming to it at even at work (which managed to get several eyebrows raised). You're into Linkin Park?? Nope, just this one. It's one of those phase, I frequently get myself into.. :)) So I looked up for the lyrics and now can sing to it instead of just hmm..hmm
For the uninitiated, the song/video is at the bottom.
Happy weekend everybody.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taking my beating
I've shared what I've been

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that ive done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

New Moon by Stephenie Meyer

It's been quite a while since I really pick up a book and read. Oh I do occassionally do so but abandoned the idea as soon as I start and sometimes got bored easily that I had to reread the same page all over again when I did pick up the book again. So I ended up with 3-4 books, all abandoned at chapter 1 or so.

It all changed (I hope for the better) last Friday night. I came across Stephenie Meyer's official site (the author of Twilight -the book). I read the first chapter of New Moon her second book (continuation of her first Twilight book) online that I got so intrigued that I can hardly wait for morning to get the book. I havent felt like wanting to read a certain book so bad for the longest time. Usually if I were to go to a bookstore, I just pick up any book that came across as interesting to me at that moment without giving much thought about the author. Because really, I can read almost anything. But this time its different. I do have a title in mind.

I had to wait until after my son's dentist appointment ended at 1100 am before persuading hubby to change the route to head for the nearest bookstore at the mall instead of our home. I reasoned that I had to reward my son for being so brave at the dentist. Well, that was not entirely untrue. When I saw the book, I was shaking with excitement that I almost squealed in delight. They had all her 4 books there. Dont be greedy I told myself. Since I already 'seen' Twilight so its only fair that I buy the second book ... for now. Maybe next month, all of the books (evil grin ^_^) Believe me, it took all my will power to resist buying Twilight too even thou I already know how the story goes. I like to own books, period.

When I held the book suddenly it dawned on me that perhaps I shouldnt look so eager. This is after all suppose to be a teen novel or is it? And here I am a mother of two in my thirties and acted like a kid who got the latest edition of Harry Porter series. Since when did something as trivial as that stopped me from reading anything before? The fact that it was written by a mother of three small boys sort of justify it for me (as if I need it). Yeah, I read the FAQ in her website and was delighted to find out about how this creative author got the inspirations for her main characters Edward and Bella. Oh I could kiss her for being so imaginative.



It took me 13 hours combination of yesterday and today to finish the book. And yes, it is about vampires (I told you I was obsessed) and werewolves too :)) ha! ha! I already feeling weird.

Vampires charm

I'm officially infatuated with vampires.
Literally of cos'

It all started last week, when I had the chance (well, I actually set an alarm to remind me) to watch TrueBlood. Managed to convince hubby to watch it with me. One episode lead to another and for all you know I'm watching all 4 premier episodes at one go on a working night. I went like okay one more, if it doesnt end after this I'm going to sleep etc and it finally ended at 0130hr where I had to woke hubby up (he was already snoring on the couch towards the end of 4th episode).

I managed to keep awake the next day and survived an early morning work in progress meeting and story telling session to a friend who didnt watch it. She ended up watching the reruns on Sunday night and slept at 4am! Soon we too will become vampires ourselves lol. But watching the sexy vampire Bill, both me and girlfriend agreed we wouldnt mind being the victim :)) I can stand the sexiness but the character is soo gentleman and that, melts me.

Last night, hubby bought for me the Twillight dvd. And I got another dose of admiration for the immortals. Have you seen Edward (the vampire guy) in this movie?? Ooohh.. he is soo white!! and okay cute. Both he and Bella (leading girl) makes a cute couple. Oh why do they have to portray vampires like rock stars or perhaps its the other way around? lol Despite of its many official trailer depicting scary/action scenes, it's really only a teen love story.



Okay got to go. Vampire Bill beckons me -(translated -TrueBlood the series is starting in 5 minutes).



Have a good weekend everybody

12 years ago, today

we got married.

To celebrate hubby and me decided to treat ourselves to a 'special' lunch. Unfortunately or fortunately (depends on how you look at it) the boys had a school replacement day (on Saturday)so we decided to go out just the two of us and be back by afternoon. I need to catch a live local reality show concert on telly in the evening (it was an assignment by the boss)- to watch our own production and feedback by monday.
To cut the story short, we left just after my youngest son left for his afternoon session school. We arrived at 'The Apartments' KLCC at about 1245hr after being indecisive in the car of where to go for 'our leisurely lunch' -so we thought.
2:30pm -I finished the beefly tapas (it was too raw for my hubby) and my salmon sandwich while hubby had his baked cod fish, I planned to window shop at KLCC and maybe if got time persuade hubby to drop at Pavillion too. Hubby asked for the bill and my mobile phone rang. It was my eldest son.
Maaaa...
Yes I replied.
Are you forgetting something? he questioned me.
What?
It's 2:30pm! I need to be at tuition class by 3:00pm.
Silence..cricket sound..I looked at hubby. He stopped halfway from signing the bill and looked at me knowingly. OMG! We forgot that he has tuition class to attend to every Saturday afternoon.
We are on our way, I told my son.

So hubby drove like Lewis Hamilton and our small Viva became Mercedes McLaren, thanks to SMART tunnel we cut thru the rainy Saturday afternoon jam and arrived home 25 minutes later safely, picked up my anxious son and drove him to his class. So much for our leisure time together.

Over the years, our choices of songs have varied. Indonesian bands/group for hubby and me anything which language I dont understand :) Anyways once upon a time, both of us were so in like with this song (to the horror of our friends when we requested a DJ in a club to play it) ^_^
This is Star by Simply Red. Hope you like it too!

Love Song by Sara Bareilles

I have been neglecting my blog for quite some time now. In fact, I've been taking break from almost all of my leisure routines (which I use to enjoy) including reading.
By updating this, I hope I can slowly go back to my usual thinking, act, emotion -in other words, my usual self.
This love song is a token of appreciation to those who visited me while I was M.I.A especially to Kerry and Gil whom never failed to leave 'kind thots' to a stranger in the other end of the world.
Enjoy the song.